Miserable at Best
by Samtastic Sami
Summary: One-shot, based on the song by Mayday Parade.Edward and Bella have been in love and are ready to leave for college, but Edward must face his fear but makes a choice that he regrets, leaving both heartbroken.Can he fix his mistake before it's too late?AH


**Just a one-shot. Based off the song Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade. Read the song, then my story, and you'll get how I was strangely inspired. I mostly get my inspiration from eating… but while listening to music! I hope you enjoy!**

_Katie, don't cry, I know  
__You're trying your hardest  
__And the hardest part is  
__ letting go  
__Of the nights we shared  
__Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting  
__But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright  
__And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but I want it so  
__Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
__(I know he's there)  
__You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
__(while across the room, he stares)  
__I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
__And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes  
__Because these words were never easier for me to say  
__Or her to second guess  
__But I guess  
__That I can live without you but  
__Without you I'll be miserable at best  
__You're all that I hoped I'd find  
__In every single way  
__And everything I could give  
__Is everything you couldn't take  
__Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away  
__And the hardest part of living  
__Is just taking breaths to stay  
__Because I know I'm good for something  
__I just haven't found it yet  
__But I need it  
__So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
__(I know he's there)  
__You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
__(while across the room, he stares)  
__I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
__And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes  
__Because these words were never easier for me to say  
__Or her to second guess  
__But I guess  
__That I can live without you but  
__Without you I'll be miserable at best_

_Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh _

_And this will be the first time in a week  
__That I'll talk to you  
__And I can't speak_

_It's been three whole days since I've had sleep  
__Because I dream of his lips on your cheek  
__And I got the point that I should leave you alone  
__But we both know that I'm not that strong  
__And I miss the lips that made me fly_

_So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
__(I know he's there)  
__You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
__(while across the room, he stares)  
__I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
__And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes  
__Because these words were never easier for me to say  
__Or her to second guess  
__But I guess  
__That I can live without you but  
__Without you I'll be miserable  
__And I can live without you  
__But without you I'll be miserable  
__And I can live without you_

_Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best_

Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade

**Miserable at Best**

"Bella!" I yelled over the noisy chatter of students filling the parking lot as I waved the love of my life over to me.

"Edward!" she screamed, just as enthusiastic as she jumped into my arms and gave me another one of those flame filled passionate kisses that always seemed to make me forget how to breathe.

"Hey, love," I said in a shaky, out of breathe voice.

We climbed into my silver Volvo, and I sped off towards Bella's house. I kept her hand in mine as the trees were just a green blur to us on the winding road. Finally, I made it to the edge of the forest, where her house was. Before I could open my door, Bella grabbed my arm.

"Um, Edward, could we just stay outside for a moment. I want to talk with you about something."

"Of course, love. Anything you want." There was something off about the way she smiled. It was different. She seemed… nervous, uncertain, almost scared.

What was wrong?

She grabbed my hand and led me to the tree where we would always meet late at night, when we would try hiding from Charlie.

What had her so scared that she was worried to talk with me like a normal conversation?

She grabbed my shoulders, and I fell against the tree as she crashed her lips to mine.

"I love you Edward Cullen," she panted as my forehead rested against hers.

"What's wrong, Bella? You know that you can tell me anything, love."

"Edward, this is very important, and I just need you to listen to me," she almost pleaded.

"Just tell me what's going on Bella!" I demanded in a growl.

"Well, Edward, you know how much I love you. But, the thing is, I don't know if you truly feel the same," she held up her finger before I could cut her off, "I know you love me, you've told me before, but what I mean is, I don't know how strong those feelings are."

"Bella, why are drawing this out? What are you getting at? Get straight to the point!" I was getting angry. Was the situation really that serious?

"Bella, please, tell me," I said in a whisper now. I was getting desperate.

"Graduation is already a week from now. Today is Friday. Graduation is already next Saturday. I know you know what I'm getting at, Edward."

I shook my head. I didn't want to believe any of this. What was she trying to say? Did she want to break it off for a fresh start in college?

_College!_

I had tried my best to avoid this topic of conversation, dragging it out for as long as possible.

We never had discussed where we were planning on going.

Bella and I both have received multiple acceptances, but when I had made my final decision, I had forgotten the most important thing to consider: Bella.

How could I have forgotten about her, my true love? And I refused to listen to her tell me where she was going, because I knew it would hurt too much.

But I guess now was the time, the time when I would probably end up losing my Bella.

"Edward, after graduation, I will be attending college in September. But you obviously haven't been interested in looking ahead towards the future. You don't want to talk about where we're going or what are plans are, Edward. I don't know what you want. I love you Edward, but how do I know you're not going to be like Mike and break up with me like he did Jessica so you can start over in college with a clean slate? You've made your own pla-," but I had to cut her off, because now I was furious.

"_PLANS?!_" I roared, "What plans? Are you sure you're not talking about yourself? You know what Bella, just forget it. Forget everything. I'm tired of this. You can find someone else to take with you to the graduation dance. And while you're at it, someone else to be your boyfriend. We're through," I yelled at her shocked expression before I stormed off to my car.

I got in and slammed the door so that the whole frame shook. My hands were shaking on the wheel with my rage clouding my vision. I didn't bother to look back, so I wasn't able to see Bella's tear-stained form fall to the ground, shaking with sobs.

In a matter of seconds, it seemed, I screeched to a halt in front of my house, and I ran up the steps to the front door and up to my room, stomping up the whole way. I even walked right past my parents with complete disregard, and I even went as far as to flip them off with the one-fingered salute. I've never done that before, but everything seemed to be changing. My whole world was crashing around me.

I slammed the door to my room and locked it shut, and threw things around in a frenzy. I was huffing, out of breathe from my rage and from my temper tantrum.

There was a light knock on my door, and the familiar soothing voice called out to me, "Edward, sweetie, what's wrong? Please, let me in and talk to me," my mother called. I couldn't be angry with my mother. I could only be angry with myself; I caused this, I had pushed her away without even stopping to hear what she had to say. Instead, I had just jumped to conclusions.

I got up and opened the door to my mom.

"What is it mom?" I asked with a sigh, in both exasperation and exhaustion.

"Sweetie, what was all that down there? Did something happen?" I knew it would be no use lying to her; Esme always has been gifted to tell when one of her children was lying. That was how she always knew Emmett had stolen a cookie before dinner when we were younger.

"Yes, there is something wrong. I did the most horrible thing. I broke up with Bella." I felt so close to breaking down.

"Why sweetie?" she looked absolutely shocked and heartbroken. I knew she's always loved Bella, but seeing my mother start crying over her like that made everything so much harder for me to deal with.

"I was scared. I was scared that she would break up with me first. I was scared she would want a fresh start in college. I was scared she would meet someone else. I was scared about being separated from her. I was scared," I whispered. It took all my strength to keep my tears in my eyes and stop them from falling.

"Well, did you even know what college she was going to attend? How do you know she wasn't going to go to Seattle University as well? You shouldn't be so irrational. Look at the heartbreak you've caused." She shook her head and wiped the tears from my cheeks that I didn't know had fallen.

"Alice!" my mom yelled, calling my sister in, "Go over to Bella's and see how she is." Alice shot me a suspicious glance before bobbing her head in a nod and running down the stairs.

My mom returned her attention back to me.

"Things will turn out for the best, Edward. I promise." She patted my back before leaving.

But I didn't want to be left alone; that would only let my thoughts of self-hatred fester. But, then again, I didn't want my mom to see me cry anymore than I already have.

I went over and turned on my sound system. It was set to the highest possible volume, blaring some unidentifiable music in the background. The music shook my entire frame, and didn't leave me any room to think; that was exactly what I needed, to feel numb.

I let my mind drift to Bella as I fell into my dream world of terrors, all consisting of me being without my love.

I spent my weekend wallowing. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights were spent with little sleep, and I was a mess Monday morning.

I walked out of my car through the school parking lot to head to my first class, where Bella would also be. I looked over to where Bella stood, paler than usual, with dark circles under her eyes. When her eyes met mine, her expression was angry and she quickly turned away and walked with Alice into the classroom.

I followed and scanned the classroom for a seat. Bella wasn't where she usually was, but in the farthest corner with Alice.

Of course she wouldn't want to be sitting near me.

But why would she be angry if she wanted it over anyway? Was it because I beat her to the punch? I never truly did understand the way Bella thought.

I had every class with Bella, and it made it so much harder for me. I was used to sitting behind her, holding her hand, whispering in her ear, sitting next to her at lunch, stroking her face… I felt incomplete.

Finally, Monday was over.

Tuesday passed.

Wednesday came. My life had officially become purgatory. Hell would seem more of a relief to me. I've been thinking about Bella every second since Friday, regretting my decision. I've had to face her for three days, and I really couldn't wait for Saturday to come so graduation would have been finished, and I would never have to return to all these faces again. But, at the same time, I wasn't ready to leave. If I left, what were the chances that I would see Bella again? I couldn't live with myself knowing I had screwed up everything that was perfect in my life.

After the last period of school, I made my decision. I would catch up with Bella and beg her to take me back. I don't care if I would have to get down on my knees in front of her group of friends, or even if it was in front of the whole school. I would do anything to have her take me back.

I shoved my bag into my car and took a few breaths to get the courage to walk over to Bella and beg for forgiveness.

She was sitting at a table outside near the parking lot, surrounded by Alice, Jessica, Rosalie, who was Emmett's girlfriend, Angela, and a few other girls I didn't recognize.

Then I noticed the boisterous group at the table behind them. Mike, Tyler, Eric, Ben, and Jacob were sitting there, laughing and fooling around. But what got me angry was that I realized Ben was the only one at the table who hadn't liked Bella at one point or another. I was praying that they wouldn't try approaching Bella now that she was free.

Well, I hoped that she wouldn't be for long. She had to take me back, she just had to.

I focused on Jacob and Mike who seemed to be in a heated debate. Finally, they seemed to have come to a truce, and shook each other's hand with a smug look on each of their faces.

Jacob walked over to Bella and started talking to her. She looked troubled. I had to get over there. Then I saw her nod her head, and Jacob bent down and kissed her cheek.

My blood began boiling, and a part of me had died. I lost. I lost my chance to ask for her forgiveness, and now, she seemed lost to me forever.

I sped home and just parked outside of my house. I sat there and fumed. I didn't even bother going up to be angry in my room. I couldn't think.

The next few days passed so slowly, and I was the living dead; a zombie. That was all I really could be called, a shell of my former self.

Finally, it was Saturday, and graduation would take place later that evening, succeeded by the dance. This would be the last time I would see Bella, if ever again. The thought brought an aching to my heart, and I wasn't complete. I felt so close to tears, but I wouldn't let them fall.

The commencement ceremony was dull, long, and monotonous. I really couldn't wait for the dance tonight so I could just get the hell away from this God-forsaken town. God, someone better spike the punch tonight if I'm going to survive this long.

I loosened my tie and told my mom I would see her and Carlisle at home later.

I walked into the dance hall, which had been transformed from Forks High School gym to someone's version of a Winter Wonderland Dance. I hoped someone other than me would see the irony; they used a winter theme during summer.

I stood by the punch table and just lightly bobbed my head to the music, trying to act as if I was enjoying myself. Even the most retarded idiot could see I was in hell.

I looked over to where I saw Jacob Black hanging out with Mike.

He walked across the dance floor and loomed. I didn't like the way he towered over her. I tried my best to bite back a growl. She wasn't mine to protect anymore. She was a big girl; she could take care of herself.

I could tell that he had just asked her to dance. I shot daggers in their direction as he put an arm around her waist to lead her onto the dance floor. My fists clenched without me realizing it, until I noticed my hand was wet from crumpling the plastic cup that held my punch.

I stared at the two of them dancing, filled with self-loathing. Bella tripped and was about to fall, but that Jacob caught her and turned it into a dip. While he had her lowered, he took advantage of their position and planted a kiss on her, before taking her back up to resume their dancing. She looked uncomfortable. Why didn't she leave?

I guess the guy was oblivious to how uncomfortable my Bella was – Bella I mean; she was no longer mine. I tried kissing her again, but this time on the lips. Bella tried backing away from his grip, but he tightened his arms around her and tried again. She tried refusing once more, and I couldn't take it.

I marched right over there and gave Jacob the deadliest glare I could manage. He flinched, but quickly returned my expression.

I grabbed Bella away from that mongrel and dragged her outside and stood us in the empty parking lot under the lit balloon arch.

"Are you alright Bella?" I asked, trying to hide my anger and how frantic I was. How could she let him try that with her?

She slapped me hard across the face and just stared at me, fuming.

"_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU EDWARD CULLEN_?!"

I flinched at the tone of her voice. It sounded like she truly did hate me.

"Why did you just drag me away from my date?"

"You looked uncomfortable, and he was trying to kiss you! What else was I supposed to do?" I meant it as a rhetorical question, but she felt like answering my furious voice with an acerbic tone.

"Well maybe I wanted a chance to pucker up first! How would you know what I'm feeling? You don't seem to really know a thing about me, Edward. It's pretty obvious after all that's happened."

Her words cut me so deeply, and left me so hurt and wounded. Could she really think that I didn't care?

"You better explain yourself to me right now, Cullen, about what's going on, because I need to know." She angrily crossed her arms over her tense form clad in a blue dress.

"I… I just… it's because… you and… then that… I…" I was at a complete loss for words. I let myself think for a minute and organized my thoughts, trying to decide what I needed to tell her, something that might make her want to consider taking me back.

_And this will be the first time in a week  
__That I'll talk to you_

_And I can't speak_

_It's been three whole days since I've had sleep  
__Because I dream of his lips on your cheek  
__And I got the point that I should leave you alone  
__But we both know that I'm not that strong  
__And I miss the lips that made me fly_

_So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
__(I know he's there)  
__You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
__(while across the room, he stares)  
__I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
__And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes_

_Because these words were never easier for me to say  
__Or her to second guess  
__But I guess_

_That I can live without you but_

_Without you I'll be miserable at best._

They were the words I needed to say, but couldn't seem to get out.

"I love you Bella, I always have. I broke up with you because I thought you were going to break up with me. I didn't want you to leave me and go off to some college where you'd have guys chasing after you, and I was scared that you would find someone better. I couldn't sleep without your face haunting me. I haven't slept in three whole days, because I dream of his lips on your cheek. I saw him kiss you that day you accepted his invitation to go with Jacob to the dance. This is the first time that I'll speak to you in a week, but I can't seem to speak the words I need. I miss you, everything about you. I miss your voice, your touch, your lips, your wit, I need you. I can't seem to live. My world has been empty and hollow without you there to fill that empty space. You're my life; you always have been. I need you, please come back to me," I begged, now in a whisper.

I didn't realize that I had fallen to my knees and was crying as I looked up at her. She was crying, too. She just shook her head.

"But you left me," she cried in a hoarse whisper.

"Because I was scared. I love you, I miss you, I want you, I _need_ you. I need you, please, I love you." My voice matched hers.

I got up quickly and blinked away my tears. I had a look of determination, and I wasn't about to let her escape me. No, not again. I grabbed her shoulders, firmly but still gentle, and I crashed my lips onto hers.

I put all my hurt, pain, anger, sadness, fury, depression, joy, love, happiness, compassion, every emotion I had, everything that I could give, I put it into that kiss so it was filled with passion that could set the forest on fire. I kissed those lips that I had longer for like there was no tomorrow, and I never intended on letting go, not even to breathe, because I needed her more than air.

She was tense and resistant under my grasp, but I felt her willpower crumble. She gave in, and her hands went up to my face and wrapped themselves in my hair, pulling me in closer.

I ran my fingers over every line of her face, rememorizing every detail of her; I never wanted to forget a single thing about her.

Soon we broke away to breathe, and we were gasping for air as we leaned against each other's foreheads.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan. I'm sorry. Please forgive me," I whispered as the tears continued running down our cheeks.

"I'm sorry, too. I love you so, so much. Words couldn't even describe the heartbreak I felt when you told me it was over," she said, her voice filled with relief covering her old pain as she wiped the tears off my face.

"I love you so much Bella." I could taste the bittersweetness of our reunion hanging in the air.

"I never want to lose you again. You're the love of my life."

I kissed her again, but she broke away first, and laid her head against my chest.

"I'm going to Seattle U, Edward," she whispered.

I pulled back to look at her. "What? You're going to SU?"

She simply nodded. I started laughing like a madman, shaking with laughter as more tears rolled down my face.

"What is it? Why are you laughing?" she demanded, growing frustrated.

"It's just that, I got accepted into SU also," I said with a goofy grin, just glad that we had gotten back together, and hopefully stay like that. I had to make sure I never lose her again.

I kissed her with the same passion as before, before breaking away.

"I love you my Bella. You're mine, and no one else's. you are my life, my soul mate. Marry me." I looked at her seriously.

"What?"

"I love you, and I don't want to lose you. I don't care how we do it, I just want to be with you. We could go to Vegas. Marry me. Please," I begged.

"I love you Edward Cullen," and she crashed her lips onto mine.

"Yes."

And I continued kissing her as if she really were the only oxygen left on earth, smiling the whole time.


End file.
